Why Don't Men Go To Therapy

One of the most common questions I get as a male therapist is, “Why don’t men go to therapy?” While it’s an important question, I believe the deeper issue is, “Why don’t men ask for help?” Understanding this can unlock the key to supporting men who struggle with depression, anxiety, or stress. It also helps us, as family members, friends, and partners, create environments where men feel comfortable seeking the help they need.

The Vicious Cycle of Loneliness and Depression

Recent research on men’s mental health has revealed a troubling cycle: as men’s depression increases, so does their feeling of loneliness. What’s surprising is that this loneliness is unrelated to how many friends or social connections they have. It’s a sense of isolation that grows deeper, and as loneliness increases, men are even less likely to ask for help.

This reluctance to seek help often leads to a worsening of their depression, creating a vicious cycle that can be difficult to break. One of the key barriers to men asking for help is rooted in long-standing masculine norms—societal expectations that teach men to be self-reliant, tough, and emotionally restrained.

Masculine Norms and Cognitive Dissonance

Masculine norms play a significant role in why men struggle to seek help for mental health issues. These norms create what psychologists call cognitive dissonance—a conflict between beliefs and actions. For men, the belief that they must be tough and self-sufficient clashes with their internal struggles with depression or anxiety.

When men face mental health challenges, these norms tell them that asking for help is a sign of weakness. As a result, many men remain silent and isolated, and their mental health continues to decline. This internal conflict becomes a significant barrier to seeking the support they need.

Redefining Masculinity: A Healthier Approach

Here’s the important part: masculinity is not a fixed set of traits. It doesn’t have to be about always being stoic or tough. Masculinity can and should be redefined to include vulnerability, emotional awareness, and the strength to ask for help.

Imagine if we saw asking for help not as a weakness but as a true sign of courage and strength. If men could align their understanding of masculinity with a healthier, more flexible perspective, they would feel more empowered to address their mental health head-on.

The Research Supports Change

Research supports this shift. Studies have shown that when men feel they can align their actions with a healthier view of masculinity—one that embraces vulnerability—they are more likely to seek help and less likely to suffer in silence. This can significantly reduce the cycle of cognitive dissonance, isolation, and deepening depression.

How You Can Support the Men in Your Life

So, how can you help the men in your life break free from these harmful masculine norms? It starts with reframing your ideas of what masculinity looks like. Encourage the men around you to see strength in their emotional awareness and bravery in asking for help.

Here are some ways you can support men in your family, friendships, or professional relationships:

1. Promote Vulnerability: Remind men that sharing their struggles is not a sign of weakness but courage.

2. Normalize Therapy: Talk openly about the benefits of therapy and mental health support, making it a routine topic rather than a stigmatized one.

3. Encourage Emotional Awareness: Help men recognize that being in touch with their emotions is a valuable trait, not something to be ashamed of.

4. Model Positive Behavior: Show through your actions that it’s okay to ask for help, whether it’s for mental health or everyday challenges.

By doing this, we can begin to dismantle harmful masculine norms and create a culture where men feel empowered to take care of their mental health.

Changing How We Understand Masculinity and Help

Asking why men don’t go to therapy is a complex question, but the more important question might be why men don’t ask for help in the first place. Research shows that societal norms around masculinity play a significant role, but we all have a part to play in changing the conversation.

By redefining what it means to be masculine—by embracing vulnerability, emotional strength, and the courage to seek help—we can create a more supportive environment for the men in our lives. This shift helps men overcome their mental health challenges and creates healthier, stronger families and communities.

References

Morgan, P. C., Stanfield, M. H., & Durtschi, J. A. (2022). “There may be a problem, but I’m not going because…”: Examining classes of men and their rationales for not seeking mental health treatment. Journal of Mental Health, 31(2), 180–187. https://doi.org/10.1080/09638237.2021.1922639

Seidler, Z. E., Dawes, A. J., Rice, S. M., Oliffe, J. L., & Dhillon, H. M. (2016). The role of masculinity in men’s help-seeking for depression: A systematic review. Clinical Psychology Review, 49, 106–118. https://doi.org/10.1016/j.cpr.2016.09.002

Wagner, A. J. M., & Reifegerste, D. (2024). Real men don’t talk? Relationships among depressiveness, loneliness, conformity to masculine norms, and male non-disclosure of mental distress. SSM - Mental Health, 5, 100296. https://doi.org/10.1016/j.ssmmh.2024.100296